I write beautifully and ugly, playfully and seriously, a bit peculiar and maybe crazy – all at the same time and it’s because it mirrors a curiously insane mind…

  • Have you heard the question “Would you rather meet a man or a bear?” asked by many women on social media in the conversation about dangerous men and the #metoo-movement? The question is asked because many women feel like they would rather meet a bear. A literal bear! Why? Because so many women have their stories about being assaulted by men.

    At the same time women ask this, men laugh and tell the women they are ridiculous and that the question is absurd. Yes, it might be an absurd question, but if I were a man I would wonder why women ask this question to begin with. What have men done so wrong that women would rather meet a bear? Instead of blaming women for everything, maybe men should take accountability, after all, this world is run by men and nobody could disagree with that! So if men want to run this world, men should also take responsibility for what kind of world they have created…

    And what kind of world is that? A world where some women (myself included) would rather meet a bear in the dark than a man! If I were a man I would blame myself and the men around me, not the people who are scared of me.

    It’s like blaming the victim of abuse that they would rather meet literally someone else than the abuser. No, not all men abuse women. We already know that! But too many do, and it’s them we’re talking about.

    If men want to run this world, they need to take responsibility, which they have proven century after century that they can’t. Maybe try something new? Something new where all genders can be valued and run what is their place to live.

    It’s not about survival instinct that women rather want to meet a bear. Or is it? It’s not a lack of survival instinct, it’s rather a very real instinct, that sadly the opposite gender laughs at on social media.

    What if all of you men could be a little bit kinder and a little bit more compassionate?

    Then we shouldn’t have this problem. And we should have a better world.

    I have been abused, beaten up, and assaulted by more men than I can count on my ten fingers. I have learned that men are not safe. I would rather meet a bear because then I would either die a more “safe” death or would escape with less trauma than I have today! Because a bear wouldn’t rape or torture me at least.

    I won’t ever claim that all men are evil because that’s not true. But the dangerous men, these men need to be talked about without being protected by the society that’s yelling “not all men!”.

    Saying “not all men!” is just a way of saying “I don’t care!” at this point…

    /Trix

  • I have begun my shadow work and healing journey for a while ago. It still feels like yesterday. Healing is hard. It’s uncomfortable when healing from sexual assault, domestic violence, and childhood abuse because it takes up so much of your time and energy.

    I’m trying to focus on my YouTube channel and my filmmaking. My therapeutic art and my creativity and other fields like writing, coding, digital art and such. It’s all I can really do! I’m healing and that’s hard, but I can’t really pause the clock from ticking. Time goes on.

    I’m working on a vlog right now. It’s about health, hope, and all about honesty about how I’m doing mentally, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I think all of these areas need improvement.

    Also, my lung function is bad. My asthma and RA (rheumatoid arthritis) are bad. Everything feels difficult right now…

    I have started to study a little. Studies don’t start formally until September but I have started a little with what I can to do something and think about something else.

    I have also been keeping myself busy by creating digital products for my shop, working on my coding projects, and also moving my website (trixjoyce.com) to a new server. I keep myself busy because that’s easier than just sitting and thinking about everything bad.

    I’m now also on GitHub, talking about coding projects… I made the account in February this year but didn’t end up using it until now (August 2024). I didn’t understand how GitHub worked either until now and was very confused, but now I’ve learned from a course on Skillshare.

    You can visit my GitHub profile and projects under my legal name: www.github.com/tricia-johansson

    Visit my profile on skillshare here: www.skillshare.com/en/user/trixjoyce

    Even though I’m pretty skilled at HTML and CSS I refreshing my skills to learn them even better and even JavaScript which I know just the foundations of. I want to learn more about JavaScript and PHP to develop better web apps.

    I feel a little bit happier now. I love writing about things that I like and find interesting. Just writing about code made my day brighter, lol, I’m such a nerd!

    Here are a few screenshots of different coding projects:

    Right now I’m working on three web apps which are available on my GitHub profile.

    I don’t know what more to say right now.

    See you in my next entry!

    Trix.

  • Prepare for honest feelings. This post will not be sugarcoated nor will it be censured or filtered. This is my real and raw feelings.

    I have felt down for a while now. I feel ugly since I let myself be that way by binge-eating after I got raped in 2020. In my mind I was thinking, if I’m ugly nobody could hurt me in that way ever again. So I started to binge-eating and gain weight… But now my self-esteem is low – actually low is an understatement. It’s not there at all.

    Look at these photos from before the abuse and assault:

    I WAS BEAUTIFUL! Now my face look like a chubby monster….

    This has not been a good week when it comes to self-esteem. At least not outwardly self-esteem. I have been productive, I’m into coding again and has get started with GitHub. I have also been working on Youtube videos even though it’s hard to edit them and looking at my ugly self. I have been working on my online store and its digital products.

    In other ways I have been a productive human. But I feel like sh*t inside and even outside since my physical body is not the way I want it to be.

    Sure, my rapist was the real monster and I’ve done nothing wrong. Binge-eating (and sometimes eating nothing so the body gets confused and gain weight) is my way of dealing with a traumatic event. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t stop feeling terrible. And I have a hard time exercising due to health problems and my terribly fixed minset around it. I’m not even sure if I’m in a place where I want to change my behaviour.

    I just wanted to whine a little bit.

    Trix.

  • I haven’t heard many people talk about it but July is disability pride month. It’s two days until august now and I think it’s a shame we don’t talk about it.

    Many people forget that I’m autistic and that often causes me to lose friendships. I’ve just recently lost one and it still hurts. I tried to help a friend who just used me, abused me and never saw me as a friend anyway. I was too available to help all the time, too naive. Sometimes I think that’s the fault of my autism.

    I feel lost right now. I just made a video about it on Youtube. I know my values and interests, but have a hard time figuring out my life purpose.

    While it seems like other people have it together and know what they want, I’m sitting here clueless. I want to be proud over me being autistic, but I simply am not…

    Is it fair to force me to be proud over something that’s just ruin my life?

    I don’t know.

  • One piece of resin jewellery is now finished. This one is for my sister because it has flowers from my niece’s baptism in it 🙂

    More jewellery is in the making as well 🙂

    xx

  • Everything I do goes in circles and now I’m circling back to sculpturing and jewellery making! To take it one step further I’m trying to learn how to work with resin to make jewellery, key chains, and other artworks as well. Just to advance my craft and to learn something new…

    The U-shaped mold in the upper left corner has small flowers from Junie’s baptism in the resin 🙂

    I thought that would be beautiful as a memory as either two necklaces or one pair of earrings. I will update you on how they look like when they’re finished though!

    Here are a few jewellery I’ve made with polymer clay. They are a few years old and I have gifted them to various people at this point, but here are a few photos:

    I now making a corner in my apartment to work with resin, just for safety’s sake. I didn’t really know it was dangerous to inhale resin and to work without safety gear and to do it in a dedicated place. So I’m working on making a corner for my new craft, now when I know that 🙂

    xx

  • My niece got baptised yesterday and I was chosen to be her Godmother 🙂

    Here are a whole bunch of photos I took with my DSLR camera…

    xx

  • I’m starting over with a new blog domain (previously heytrix.com, now this one: trixjoyce.co), so I figured I would re-introduce myself!

    I started this site to just get things out there. No matter if it’s how it should be or the “correct way” of handling things such as trauma and hurt. I also wanted to share other things as well. My creativity first and foremost, but I also like the idea to have a home online. Well… I have many homes online for the moment (other blogs and my “main” website, but I’m thinking about moving it all to this site sooner or later), but I like the idea that people can visit my homepage like it’s a virtual living room.

    I’m Trix and I’m a musician, visual artist, designer and writer. I also enjoy gaming (mostly on switch), makeup, spirituality and the occult, psychology, and a bunch of other stuff. I’m multifaceted and can’t find a niche in life. Maybe that’s because of ADHD and maybe not all people need to niche down their life into a meaningless dot in universe…

    I might seem rude in my writing… I don’t want to, but hey, this is my virtual living room… Anyhow, I like harsh writing from other writers sometimes, so I don’t mind being a little rude.

    Now I’m rambling and I think that will be commonplace in this blog.

    It was some event in town today so I got this fun earrings and necklace. The necklace looks like a witchy portion bottle and the earrings like a gaming console. So cute!

    xx