Prepare for honest feelings. This post will not be sugarcoated nor will it be censured or filtered. This is my real and raw feelings.
I have felt down for a while now. I feel ugly since I let myself be that way by binge-eating after I got raped in 2020. In my mind I was thinking, if I’m ugly nobody could hurt me in that way ever again. So I started to binge-eating and gain weight… But now my self-esteem is low – actually low is an understatement. It’s not there at all.
Look at these photos from before the abuse and assault:
I WAS BEAUTIFUL! Now my face look like a chubby monster….
This has not been a good week when it comes to self-esteem. At least not outwardly self-esteem. I have been productive, I’m into coding again and has get started with GitHub. I have also been working on Youtube videos even though it’s hard to edit them and looking at my ugly self. I have been working on my online store and its digital products.
In other ways I have been a productive human. But I feel like sh*t inside and even outside since my physical body is not the way I want it to be.
Sure, my rapist was the real monster and I’ve done nothing wrong. Binge-eating (and sometimes eating nothing so the body gets confused and gain weight) is my way of dealing with a traumatic event. I know it’s not my fault, but I can’t stop feeling terrible. And I have a hard time exercising due to health problems and my terribly fixed minset around it. I’m not even sure if I’m in a place where I want to change my behaviour.
I just wanted to whine a little bit.
Trix.
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